Ramblings

An example: If beavers rule mankind, what food would men not eat anymore?

The answer: Danish Cheese. Well, apparently, beavers live in dam and as their servants, we create dams for them. Lots of dams may create flood and well, this will flood a certain area where Danish Cheese comes from.

Yes I know it is so geeky. But really, we can apply it to real life. Try to think of it this way. If one part of you reality or past would change, who are you now?

Most of my friends tell me that if I weren’t gay, I am would be the guy version of a slut. One that breaks the heart of a million girls. I would not really know how they deduced this to be because after all, in all my existence, I never got the chance to have a relationship, more on, to break one.

There are a lot of what ifs in my life so much that somehow, instead of enjoying reality, I am more of into my imagination. Who isn’t right? But really, can we enjoy our present if all we ever wanted was for it to change and be something else?

Yes, we have all been taught to be contented and be satisfied with what we have, but would it hurt if we would like something to be a little bit better?

And this is the paradox of life. Man has this never-ending thirst of satisfying his needs and well, our needs are apparently subject to change. We are beings that would always want more. And this never ending search for more means we would never end for wanting. And that means, no matter what could have changed in our past, we would never appreciate present. BECAUSE WE’D ALWAYS WANT MORE.

So back to counterfactuals.

I have always wanted to know what I was if I weren’t gay. It’s not that I hate being one or despise, but somehow, I often think that I had no choice. Or somehow, I will end up realizing that everyone already knows, so I might as well play the part. I do not really know why I am gay, but one thing I know is that it is a hard thing to think about.

If I weren’t gay, well I am sure I’d be a guy. A geeky and cocky guy, and maybe, at this point of my life, I have already fought a couple of guys, slept with a few dozen girls and maybe got one pregnant or so.

Or, maybe, I could have been a very good guy, the best friend that everyone has. But I would be in that friend zone, meaning, I’d be a loser in relationships.

So, if something in your past would be changed, who would you be now?

The world is a stranger to all of us. It is, at the very least, a soup bowl of lots of other people, all with its own story to tell. And of course, in a world where belonging-ness is one of the major keys to success, how do we get involved with other people without scaring them?

We all have this fake personality, one that we use for cover ups, one that we project during meet ups. It is the toned down, laid back, and funnier, kinder, wittier version of our selves. It’s the one we use when we would like other people that we met to like us.

And in a case where they would only meet us once and a chance to get together again is thin, it is nice to know that we left a good impression.

But, on the opposite side, most of the times, we tend to let down our guard and little by little show to them the real us. This is because we think that they have known us for quite some time and we conclude that they would be ready to meet us.

That is if the person we are talking about here is us. How about when it is other people?

Here comes the benefit of the doubt.

When we meet new people, we hope, that who they are are really what we see. We are always in hope that what we see is what we get. But since we know that most people put on masks before meeting us (in the same manner that we do), we tend to let go of that hope and put our guard up. Thus, making the first meet up a charades.

Imagine now that you are new to a group. Now this tends to be harder. Since those group are already pass the masking stage, they now do know each other; what I mean is that they really do know the real personalities of each other. But you, as the newbie, will be judged slowly. You can be a show off, a stupid brat, a know-it-all at first even though what you project is the sweet, harmless being that you really are.

This is because people talk, assume and conclude. You can be the kindest person on earth yet still be the meanest, especially if people do not really know you. People judge others no matter what. This is because we like to be guarded at all times. We would like that we are ready for the worst rather than be expectant for the best. Because it is always easier to be bad rather than good.

But even though most of us think this way, we still, no matter how small, leave a little hope. A sliver, I might say. A little window that tells us that he can be good. She can be nice. And yes, we still give the benefit of the doubt.

And when the time is ripe for all of us to let our guard down, the window opens and comes in a breeze that makes us ready to understand and accept who other are and makes us willing to show and project who we really are.

Big things do come in small packages. In the same manner that a benefit of the doubt, a sliver of hope and a small window of opportunity turns to relationships that withstand a lifetime.

I am currently reading blogs online to pass off time when I stumbled into this site: Confessions of a New York Rent Boy. I just read his post that talks about the past, happiness and our goals to be happy.

Well, all the next facts in this post all came from this post.

Can you imagine what were you like back when you were three? It seems to be, as stated in the post, a turn of age. I guess, when we were below three, not much of our freewill is exercised since we’re still young. Young and naive.

Those times were times of joy. Sadness would only be created by a bruise or a scratch by not getting what we wanted as of the moment. And joy was emanated from simple things, be it that candy bar or that balloon, or a trip to the park.

I had, as my mom would say, a very happy childhood. I always got what I wanted and well, as most would say, I grew up spoiled.

As I grew older, that candy bar became allowance and the balloon became gadgets. And everything changed around us, even ourselves. The satisfaction became harder to attain.

A reason provided was that we are always trying to replicate the happiness we felt when we were kids and for those with a great childhood like mine, good luck. How can you replicate the best?

We are in total search for things that can, at the very least, try to provide us with the same level of happiness that we had back when we were young. Or just to say, the reason why we were never continuously happy is that the endorphin level of our happiness now has failed to match the level it had then. Geeky I know, but to put it in layman’s term, we will only be happy if we attain the same level of happiness we had back then.

But, in a world of changing atmosphere and growing needs, how can you do that? A candy bar of yesterday is not the same as the candy bar of tomorrow. The clothes that are trendy today will not be in a week or so. It is a never ending list of reasons that will only boil down to us. What we wanted before are not the same things that we want now. And to put it in lyrics, WE WANT IT ALL.

It would be fun to be the way we were before. But sadly, we all had to grow and move on. It is either this or we’ll be left out in a world that continues to run with or without us running along side with it.

It would be fun to be that little kid again, riding a wooden horse, begging for ice cream underneath the sunny sky whilst playing with the wind. Yes, that is how I picture myself years ago.

But things are not that simple. We can never really change our perception that fast. And in reality, we are too complex so as just to change in a snap.

But somehow, there will always be a bright side to everything. Yes, it would be just the way we were, but it is fun to know that when we are old, the dilemma and pain and heartaches are all part of the past. Mathematically, we have reached the other end of the graph of the normal distribution, back to as simple and uncomplicated stage, just like when we were young.